Kak Movies of 2012 part 2

 

There’s no two ways about it, 2012 was a bumper year for movies with its multitude of sequels, prequels, and big bucks blockbusters. However, it’s also hard to deny that it had more than its share of cine-junk. Whether it was crappy remakes like Total Recall or critically divisive prequels such as Prometheus, there was something for everyone to detest about the films of the past year.

Being ITK, we couldn’t let up the chance to do what we do best  - rag on movies that deserve the proverbial pimp-slap, and so for a final wrap up of last years black marks. Half way through last year we summed up the collective cinematic filth of the first 6 months, now we’re rounding out 2012′s worst of the worst – and these 5 take the proverbial cake. Some of what you’re about to read may not come as a surprise if you’ve kept up with us but what is peculiar is that sequels are a no-show.

 

5. Dark Tide

Why it sucked:

Not a South African movie, but heavily set in the coastal city of Cape Town, Dark Tide started off on a good foot with a tense swim in shark infested waters only to plummet to the depths of sub-mediocrity at hands of obnoxious product pushing. Harsh words, but at ITK we don’t tolerate excessive product placement, especially when it is so incredibly obvious. But advertising aside, the plot was slow, poorly acted and consistently dull, never attempting to draw upon the heritage or principles of  the shark attack films that defined the sub-genre. In the end, it’s little more than a tool for Cape Town tourism and all the stuff one might need for diving. Enjoy.

 

4. Total Recall

Why it sucked:

In all honesty, the Total Recall remake didn’t stand much of a chance – remaking a bad film is a chance to give a movie with potential a second chance to live; Total Recall however wasn’t bad (in fact it’s pretty good). The remake starring Colin Farrell is a dark, visually and conceptually boring incarnation of a heavily cerebral film, worst of all though is how the suspense and mystery of the original isn’t carried through in this iteration – it’s all just obvious and the final result is am uninspired, generic looking sci-fi fist-fight that lacks any character.

 

3. Act of Valour

Why it sucked:

Some movies have actors that can’t act, Act of Valour has soldiers that can’t…um soldier, or act like soldiers at least. The majority of the cast is composed of Uncle Sam’s finest weapons of death and it’s ironic that actors by trade would be more convincing than these jarheads bereft of any and all talent. However, Act of Valour’s biggest crime against cinema is that it glorifies the American idea of warfare – it’s a heavily militant film that basically borders on propaganda and could very well be considered a recruitment video for naive boys and girls looking for a guide to lead lobotomy…well, just watching the film destroys brain cells regardless of its purpose.

 

2. Copposites

Why it sucked:

I try to be just and considerate when it comes to reviewing South African films, but Copposites tried my patience and somehow managed to top any Leon Schuster efforts on the suck-o-meter. The film is cheap, poorly written, and lacking in any humour whatsoever, which is bad considering that South Africans in general don’t mind laughing at themselves. The crux is that Copposites is not offensive to anything other than the cinematic sensibilities of a person. It isn’t tasteless, nor is it clever – it’s just an insult and given all the comedians involved, one can only assume that the allegory of too many cooks spoiling the stew is a bankable probability.

 

1. That’s my Boy

Why it sucked:

If we used a star rating system that went into the negative figures, That’s my Boy would easily be a candidate that would push the scale beyond 5. Not only is That’s my Boy the worst film of 2012, but also one of the most repugnant pieces of shit to be evacuated from the bowels of Hollywood to this date. Just when we thought that Adam Sandler couldn’t go any lower, he decided to bring a jack-hammer and excavation team to perpetually dig a subterranean tomb for what remains of his acting career…sadly, Andy Samberg is collateral damage in this situation.

 

After sitting through a year of horrid movies, it’s easy to become consumed by the worst of the art form, but we must not forget the gems that made 2012 a year to remember – gems like Moonrise Kingdom, The Artist, and even mainstream offerings like The Avengers deserve to praised as much as the dregs of the film industry are pulled down. So let this be the final wooden stake in the vampire that was 2012 and may we forever celebrate the riches that it brought.