2012 has undeniably been a pretty bad year for cinema, sure its had a few gems like The Artist and The Avengers, but it’s incredibly difficult to avoid the fact that Hollywood seems to have it in for us. While I would have been overjoyed to do a review of the past 6 months focusing on the good, it wouldn’t be a terribly long article. So my hand has been forced and what follows is a select list of the most maliciously, despicable mind vomits that we’ve had to sit through thus far.
Think Like a Man
“Wait…there are white guys in this movie?”
Why it sucked:
Think Like a Man is tolerable but I’ve included it on this list for the reason that while mediocre at best, a premise based around product placement usually leads to a dead end plot where characters operate as glorified, high paid customers, pleading their testimonies to the masses of cinemagoers – it isn’t right, and it never will be. Cinema does make money from product placement, it’s part of the industry, but your film should never revolve around said product.
Read the full review HERE
Margaret
I’m going against the tide because I’m cool and rebelious…no I’m just depressed and lonely
Why it sucked:
Indie film’s are sadly, the type of movies that are subjected to the most polarity – they’re either magnificent displays of ingenius storytelling, or they’re misguided narcisistic boredom fests. Margaret is the latter and then some. What sullies the film is how the movie was edited, specifically the reruns of irrelevant scenes and the absurd running time that had simply exhausted all its convincing ideas within the first act. Oddly enough, it’s been said that the editing is what extended the post production of the film from months to years.
Read the full review HERE
Underworld: Awakening
This movie sucks, literally – “dadum tsss”
Why it sucked:
If there were ever a film that was ruined by 3D, Underworld: Awakening would be it. Make no mistake, the movie itself was godawful with unbalanced pacing to match the uninspired, convoluted plot – but the 3D effects were truly what destroyed the film, reducing it to blurry, headache inducing, visual filth with side-effects that continued for at least 24 hours after the credits rolled.
Read the full review HERE
One for the Money
“So the only reason I’m here is so you can look at my melons?”
Why it sucked:
Simply put, One for the Money is a walking dumb blonde joke sans blonde (even though Heigl is a natural blonde) - it’s offensive to everyone with its blatant stereotypes and repugnant, uninspired plot that pretty much puts the source material to shame (I haven’t read it but it couldn’t be worse than this). If your idea of a good film is one populated by irritating people behaving like idiots, then this is for you…the sad part is that none of it seems intentional. Oh and lets not forget that the cherry on the top is that this heap of offensiveness is directed by a woman, how do you spell ironic?
Read the full review HERE
21 Jump Street
I’d like to say that they’re stippers, but I think that concept would have been worse
Why it sucked:
21 Jump Street marks another entry into what could be called the modern mature action comedy. It was not so much bad as it was unwatchable – it was one of the first films during my career as a critic where I actually wanted to leave the screening hall but convinced myself to give it a chance…how wrong I was. The pacing was absolute chaos and like the proverbial rollercoaster ride, I had to contain the barf-inducing vertigo till the end.
Read the full review HERE
Jack and Jill
“How did I get this bad”
Why it sucked:
Adam Sandler has just been on a downhill ever since he got into the film business – that’s not to say his first movies were any good, they were average but as the years have run by, he has literally run his career into the ground. Jack and Jill – Sandler’s first voyage into cross dressing – marks the worst of a bee line filled with awful. The bottom line is that however terrible Mr. Sandler may be, the film multiplies it two fold with this unfunny, masochistic exercise in sensory assault.
Read the full review HERE
The Devil Inside
I know how you feel, my eyes felt like this after watching The Devil Inside aswell
Why it sucked:
The Excorcist still stands out as the unrivaled king of the possession horror and just following that model should ensure that the film is at least a mild albeit cliched success. On the other side of the spectrum are the “so bad it’s funny” horrors which are great in their own rite. The Devil Inside is not scary, nor is it so bad that one would laugh at how pathetic it is…it’s just bad, and has one of the worst endings in cinema history…seriously, it’s the worst.
Read the full review HERE
Mad Buddies
The movie blows…that is all.
Why it sucked:
Some have told me that I was a little too tough on Mad Buddies, it is a Leon Schuster film after all. Well last I checked Leon Schuster didn’t get his own genre so I’m judging it on the strict guidlines that I set for every other film – it is an insulting, unfunny, predictable mess that is less of a film and more of a “best of” Schuster gags collection. The sad part is that all the gags stink, figuritively and otherwise. This film is truly a showcase for the contempt that Schuster has for his audience as he attempts line is greedy pockets with peoples hard earned dough.
Read the full review HERE
Project X
“Yes, I’m surprised this got made too”
Why it sucked:
When I do an overall list at the end of the year, there’s a realistic possibility that Project X will still be here, the reason being that Project X pretty much encompasses everything that is terrible about modern cinema – it’s the whole enchilada wrapped up in the tacky found footage style that has plagued film for the past decade. If there were any film that was designed to insult the senses, Project X would be the masterpiece – it is litterally a movie that is composed of shit, vomit, semen, and any other heinous material I could care to be mentioned. As is the case with Mad Buddies, the creators of Project X have no respect for its audience whatsoever.
Read the full review HERE
__________
In hindsight, I feel that my judgement may have been somewhat lenient, especially the rating given to Jack and Jill which should rank among the worst. But regardless of my current feelings, this is how it turned out and I feel that it pretty much describes our current predicament. The ratio of good films to bad films is a high margin, it’s to be expected but occasionally one does watch a movie that has such a profound impact on one’s life that it makes wading through the refuse all worth it.
So how has this year turned out for you? What have you found to be the worst of the worst? Sound off in the comments!