The Great Direct-to-DVD Barbecue!

 

 

 

Hi everyone,

Welcome to the great direct-to-DVD barbecue where a bunch of the latest DVD’s occupying the lowest caliber of the medium shall effectively be roasted. Up until now I’ve been taking a more tame approach to my reviews but that was only because they didn’t warrant any real bashing. That all changes today as I found myself in a position that demands extreme prejudice. Enjoy the reviews, if anything I hope they’ll provide for an entertaining read!

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Make-out With Violence

Make-out With Violence is an independent, direct-to-DVD movie. The plot revolves around a group of friends who mourn the death of their friend “Wendy” who was symbolically buried after she went missing and was never found. One day though Carol and his brother come across Wendy’s animated corpse along a river bank tied up to a tree. For the remainder of the film, Carol and his twin “Patrick” try to hide the zombie-like body all the while trying to find their place in the world and several interlinking love triangles. The concept is solid but the film is flawed on so many levels that pointing all the errors out would be an act of triviality.

First and foremost, I’m not sure whether this failure lies with the writing or directing but the film does not progress in any given direction whatsoever, lying in a 100 minute limbo. We are introduced to bland, bare-boned, characters who are virtually clones of one another making multiple redundancies. The characters are then placed into a plot that hardly develops by the end. The film makers tried to paint a back story by use of voice over but the attempt to flesh out the aimless characters is equally as repugnant as the ineffective actors.

There is a vague idea behind the film, a coming of age flick is the proposed idea but unfortunately neither of the characters grow into anything other than the insipid husks that they started as. Complementing the films atrocity is a matching soundtrack that serves as the proverbial nails on a chalkboard.

Pound of Flesh

Malcolm McDowel has really sunk low by endorsing Pound of Flesh, a film that doesn’t deliver the goods on any of its mind-numbing scenarios. In the film, McDowel plays the role of a college English lecturer who teaches Shakespeare to a class of brainless bimbos – this of course is just one aspect of his profession. When he isn’t instructing prose, he instructs the ways of prostitution and is effectively his students pimp portal into obtaining scholarships from wealthy benefactors. On the side of the film, a down on his luck detective and the local law enforcement investigate a sex related murder of an absurd magnitude.

Think of a cross between a cheesy 1980’s adult TV film and your average crime scene investigation show – can you picture it yet? Well it takes both ideas and does them equally ineptly. The sleazy part is less dramatic than a sub-par day time soap opera and the crime investigation aspect is so irrelevant and watered down that it should have been left on the cutting room floor along with the rest of the film.

Gun

Gun isn’t necessarily a terrible film but it does mask its mediocrity behind the benefits of a bigger budget. Under the covers though is a paint-by-numbers action film which throws in a few racial stereotypes for the hell of it. None other than Curtis “50 Cent”Jacksonstars as Rich, a cookie cutter thug turned mobster who sells weapons to the highest bidder while taking names and kicking ass. Val Kilmer plays the goon’s best friend who unknown to Rich has become criminal informant after early release from federal prison. The characters are clichés and lack any real personality but for the intents of the plot, they drive it home…just. There is plenty of action and violence but none of it is extraordinary in the least and is instantly forgettable.

How To Make Love To a Woman

How To Make Love To a Woman is a shameless “40 Year Old Virgin” Clone. The plot is painfully contrived and features a plethora of B-list actors, porn stars, and T.V. actors that play the most bland, inane characters. Scenes that attempt comedy fall flat and the ending of the film is predictable mere minutes from the start. Andy – yes, he shares the name of the principle character in The 40 Year Old Virgin – can’t satisfy his girlfriend, so naturally he divulges his most intimate details to countless strangers in the hope that they can offer council to his bedroom inadequacies. Little does Andy know that all his girlfriends wants is for him to say the “L” word.

The fourth wall is broken countless times by use of interview style interludes but these gimmicks are completely unnecessary due to the fact that the characters consulted are poorly executed stereotypes that ring impotent at the best of times.

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As you can tell from the reviews here, the titles left a bad taste behind but the nature of the industry is that some will float and others will flop. If anything, my intention is to make you aware of these films and to offer a little perspective on how their negative elements outway any good they may have. All these titles leave a collective bread crumb trail leading straight to the bargain of your local DVD rental outlet. They belong there and will stay there for years to come.

Any thoughts? If you feel compelled to watch these movies, why not let not let me know your impressions?

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