It’s not often that I watch a movie that makes me want to leave the cinema or push stop on the DVD player. Within the first five minutes I could tell The Wife He Met Online was going to be less than spectacular, but I didn’t think it would be so bad that I had to take breaks while watching it.
The Wife He Met Online (referred to hereafter as The Wife) is the story of Bryant Meyers (Cameron Mathison), a successful career driven guy who has recently divorced from his wife Virginia, due to the long hours he puts in at the office. His neighbour convinces him to try online dating and he meets Georgia Marisette (Sydney Penny) and they immediately hit it off. The two strike up a long distance relationship for a few months before deciding to meet in person. When they do finally meet, it doesn’t take very long for the two to get intimate, and it’s not long after that Bryant decides to propose. Unfortunately for Bryant, Georgia has some secrets which she can’t keep hidden forever.
The Wife is undoubtedly the worst of the low budget films I’ve watched recently. Right off the bat, the movie hits you with really weak dialogue, which isn’t helped by the really poor performances. The dialogue and the acting don’t get any better as the movie progresses and there will be more than a few moments where you will be rolling your eyes or groaning at the performances. It’s unfortunate that there is not a single actor in this movie who made me go “too bad about the script, you’re actually pretty good”. Bad script and bad acting has already doomed this movie for the bottom of the bargain bin.
Unfortunately, it gets worse.
The characters in this movie seem to have been written from a list of stereotypes, with little or no changes that might actually make them interesting. You have the successful workaholic whose marriage has fallen apart, the super insecure crazy woman, and the ex who secretly hasn’t let go. It doesn’t help that the performances don’t elevate these cardboard cutouts to at least likeable cardboard cutouts.
The pacing of the story is also very strange. The writers decide to reveal most of the “twists” within the first 30 minutes, killing any suspense or sense of danger (of which there isn’t much to begin with, since we don’t really care about the characters). The movie feels very rushed in the beginning in order to set up the rest of the movie. With no sense of expectation, The Wife becomes utterly boring and predictable. I’m trying to think of something to compare The Wife to but nothing comes to mind, simply because The Wife is so boring it ends up being far worse than any of the things I try to compare it to.
The Wife He Met Online is clearly aimed at audiences who like relationship driven thrillers like Fatal Attraction and Disclosure.
The Bottom Line
This movie shows it’s cards way too early, and as a result it ends up being utterly predictable. It is brought down even further by poor performances and really poor dialogue. Seriously, go watch paint dry, it’ll be more fun than this movie.
About the writer
Rowan Govender, a writer and artist who is more commonly known by his pen name Rowango, graduated from the University of Kwa-Zulu Natal with an Honors degree in Media in 2006. He relocated to Cape Town in 2007 to pursue his interest in writing and film. He is currently employed part time in the Technical Writing industry, while he pursues personal creative projects.