Transformers: Age of Extinction Review

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Repeatedly slamming your head against a wall would be more fun than watching Transformers: Age of Extinction, review over, dudes. If you’d like to know just how bad this movie is, then welcome to our review of the latest Transformers movie!

The Plot

Bear with me as I try to make sense of the story. Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg), a wannabe inventor, stumbles upon a beat up old truck on a routine pick at a derelict cinema. He soon realises that there is more to this truck than meets the eye, and after some repairs, the truck reveals himself to be Optimus Prime. A shady government agency led by Harold Attinger (Kelsey Grammer) is tasked with the destruction of all remaining Decepticons, but Attinger’s agenda is Prime and when alerted to his presence, stops at nothing to retrieve the Autobot leader. There’s a secondary plot that I’ll get into later.

The Target

Insanity is a prerequisite for this film – at just under 3 hours, Age of Extinction is a bare-foot marathon over hot coals and Lego bricks and there’s no reward at the end of that race. Its a slight improvement over the last film or two, but when you’ve hit rock bottom, there’s really only one way to go before you start digging.

The Bottom Line

Oh my god…where do I even start with Transformers: Age of Extinction. How about the fact that this movie is so broken with all its plotholes and lapses in logic, its pointless characters and reprehensible pacing, that it’s virtually impossible to watch? It’s a miracle that a film this bad could exist – Michael Bay has had four attempts to make a good Transformers movie, four attempts to make a movie that doesn’t suck in every conceivable way, four attempts to make a movie that doesn’t leave the audience asking for a refund on the hours of their life that they will never get back – think about that for a moment, on average it takes one mistake before the average human learns where they went wrong, but Michael Bay just doesn’t learn, and that’s messed up. Statistically you could give this movie to anybody in the world and they would have made a good Transformers movie at least by this latest entry, but not Bay.

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION

Had I not been at the mercy of my carpool, I would have left that movie at around the 90 minute mark but alas this was one sensory bombardment that I had to stick through to end. Surprisingly, this film is something of an improvement over the former films in the series, improvements that lighten the burden but in no way make it easier to sit through. For one, the ridiculously inept humour is toned down due to the previous cast getting the boot, the comedy however is mostly due to the actors not giving a damn about what they’re doing – this movie is mental rot and they know it. Another plus is that they’ve taken the lineup of generic Autobots and lowered to an acceptable five bot team – they’re still completely devoid of character but at least we can tell them all apart. That’s it, those are only lessons learned, the only improvements.

The plot is less convoluted but instead of confusion, they’ve replaced it with a story that simply doesn’t make any sense at all. I can’t give too much away due to spoilers and all, but needless to say, I think the writers were sniffing lines of coke and took progressively more as they got to the end of the script. Aside from the main plot, the secondary one involves Joshua (played by Stanley Tucci), a Steve Jobs-esque technology tycoon who has discovered the secret of the Transformers and the how to produce them himself. Tucci basically replaces John Turturro’s character as they were both psychotic assholes with a terrible sense of humour, and I’m sure that Paramount had to dish out a lot of dough to get another good actor to potentially destroy their career on behalf Transformers.

What this movie does have is exactly what you’d expect from Transformers if you had the patience to sit through all the others. Michael Bay loves to drop bombs, and this time around he’s dropping F-bombs and S-bombs as well, how this movie got a PG-13 rating is simply beyond me. It’s like Bay and everyone involved simply stopped caring about anything, and the audience can tell as film goes on and on and on. The plot progression is exactly the same as other films and includes all the mindless action scenes that you’ve come to expect. The difference is that Optimus Prime, the guy who should be the main character, has some real problems – he’s never heroic, and straddles the lines between being a total psycho that wants to kill everyone and a complete pussy that consistently gets his ass handed to him. I’ve given up on hoping for a good representation of Prime in a film, but this just seals the deal on how poorly written the characters are in Age of Extinction.

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION

What about the Dinobots, you ask? They’re in the film for about five minutes and never really add anything to movie at all, they don’t suck, they’re just pointless and convenient to the plot. In fact, most of the characters and plot devices are completely inconsequential, not to mention that the plotholes in the film are so glaring, it is simply inconceivable that a writer put this story and these characters on paper – no sane human being could have produced this script.

This movie is watchable, but barely, and thanks to the fact that it was caught on camera, it qualifies as motion picture, at least on a fundamental level. The characters are insipid, the story banal and ostentatious, the visuals are muddy and inconsistent, and the action is simply forgettable. Do yourself a favour and vote for no more Transformers films by saving your money and avoiding this film – I watched this film in the hopes that you wouldn’t.

  • Kearabiloe Ledwaba

    Oh yes, the only product placement missing in this movie is OMO washing powder